Give People A Chance To Say No

on asking for things you want.

Dear reader,

I hope this meets you well. First, this is my tenth letter, so raise a glass of water or Berryblast in celebration! Buy some shawarma too, if you can!

Let's get right into it. Something happened earlier in the month that shifted my perspective on asking. I ordered some items online but made a mistake in the specifications. If it were left to me alone, I would have simply taken my L and accepted that my money was gone. However, my sister who had been in the loop since the beginning kept nudging me to ask the vendor for an exchange, and after dragging my feet for a few days, I finally did. Result? The vendor agreed (very easily, if I may add) to exchange the items, all I had to do was cover delivery costs.

It made me wonder just how many uncomfortable situations I have sat in or opportunities I have missed, simply because I was too afraid to ask, or already answered the no on the other person’s behalf.

I do not like disturbing people for things I believe I am smart enough to do myself. It has shaped me to be resourceful but it has also extended to an apprehension toward asking for things altogether; job opportunities, a new bag, please quickly slice these onions for me, a date with someone I’m crushing on etc.

I think men have it a little easier in a way because they’re socialised to take bold steps from an early age: ask your crush to prom, ask that fine girl on your street for her number. By the time they’re in their twenties, rejection is a relatively familiar and perhaps comfortable concept. On the other hand, women are socialised to wait: wait to be noticed, wait to be spoken to, wait for him to do the little things- you get my point.

Last week, I made it a point of note to simply ask for the things I want/need and honestly, it’s been going great. It also helps that I make sure to not ask people for stuff that is very easily googleable and to also not ask for money (my rich friends, please this doesn’t apply to you.)

Many people see asking as a sign of weakness, but I think it’s a rather brave thing to do. To look within yourself and admit you might need help with something. To put pride aside and say: Hey, I need you to do X for me.

People are so afraid to ask, cause what if they get rejected? And then what? Well, you might faint or want to enter the ground, but at least you would get an answer and stop torturing yourself with the what-ifs?

Plus if you think about it, most people are just as bad at saying no as you probably are, so your chances of getting a yes aren’t so bleak.

So go ahead and ask for that promotion, for that job, for that scholarship opportunity, for your ewa agoyin woman to add extra stew to your beans, for your neighbour to stop playing his music so loud, for your lover to call you more often.

Who knows? You might just add a little more colour to your life, simply by asking for the things you want.

Since we’re on the topic of asking, please share my newsletter with at least one person you think might enjoy them. Make this your congratulations on letter 10! gift to me.

Away from my musings, I read pretty interesting stuff this week, so let’s unpack them:

1.  I Befriended My Instagram Hackers. I loved this piece for many, many reasons. It’s also a testament to the complexity of the human experience. A hacker can be a sweet boyfriend, a young boy with dreams and aspirations, a good friend, all at the same time. 

2. ‘So, will TikTok become one of the most valuable companies in the world, or prove to be yet another tech firm whose profits and addictive qualities outpace our ability to govern it?’  My answer is that everyone should drop their phones and go outside to play or look at the sky or something.

3. How do you know when it’s time to quit? This article has some useful ideas. My own opinion is that there’s no manual to this life thing and you’ll never know how good or bad a decision is until you’re living in it. Yikes. I’m aware of how unhelpful that is. 

4. I struggle with sleep and my brain seems to be at its most awake/alive form when it’s dark- you know. when normal people are asleep. Been trying to figure out if this can be adjusted, so this article was a good read.

5. Imagine my dismay finding out that I would actually have to work hard to create the life I want?

6. Lastly, some fiction: The Baby Doesn’t Have A Name. A sad, well-written piece. 

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Writing Prompt

If you’re new to this letter, you should check here for how the Writing Prompt segment works.

The prompt for this week is heavily inspired by Giveon’s Stuck on You:

I can’t say I love you anymore…

Send in your submission here or publish it on your Medium account and send me the link!

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What this newsletter is:

• Watching: Ayinla. I grew up listening to Ayinla Omowura during car rides with my parents, so getting to watch this movie with them was such a delight.

• Listening to: Giveon, Sam Smith, Peggy Lee.

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That’s it for this week.

With love,

Titi.