You're too young for a midlife crisis.

It's not looking good.

Dear reader,

It’s been a minute. I didn’t mean to leave you for this long. I meant to write to you in August, but then life happened and August slipped to September and the next thing I know, we’re wishing Nigeria a Happy Independence Day. I want you to know that I didn’t forget you, and I thought of you a lot while I was away.  

First some life updates: I finished a Virtual Assistant Course by ALX and it was a beautiful experience (definitely recommend particularly to people trying to break into the workforce), I’ve fallen completely and utterly in love with my niece - watching her grow seems like a miracle unravelling right before my eyes. I’m constantly fascinated by it. I went to Kogi and climbed Mount Patti and it was glorious- I almost cried!

Now, the crux of my letter:

It’s October and I feel like I am at the same place I was when the year started: listless, unsure of what my future holds/ what to do with my life and mentally exhausted.

I wrote Farabale, yet, these days, I can’t seem to take my own advice. In the past few weeks, I’ve gone days averaging 4 hours of sleep because my mind won’t quieten, waking up with headaches and a troubled mind.

‘It just feels like I’m constantly running after something that’s out of reach’ I tell J one evening to his: why are you so worried? question.

I’m constantly worrying: Am I making the right choice? Could I have handled that situation better? Am I doing enough? Is it too late to fix my screwups?

On one such night around 3 am, my friend, O, said to me: you’re too young to be having a midlife crisis. it’s not looking good. Go out and play.

My sister says I think too much. I guess she’s right. Thinking things through has saved me from making reckless decisions. However, that doesn’t mean all my decisions have been great (e.g buying my fringe bob wig was a bad idea and it took me two months to decide on buying it). Overthinking has also held me back from just doing. From just sending that message. From just writing this newsletter. From not thinking and just doing.

I’m always asking: what if this doesn’t work? what if it’s not good enough? Without stopping to look at the optimistic/idealistic side: What if it does? what if it is?

I guess I’m writing this to you to say contrary to how it may seem, I don’t have the answers most times and I need to accept this. I need to pause, to accept the fallibility of my humanity and to go out and play.

As my friend said, life is happening to us RIGHT NOW. Whether you have your dream job or not; whether you’ve found the love of your life or not.

Life is happening to us right now. And you can’t wait till you’ve figured everything out before you start actually living.

I plan to spend the next few weeks going out to play (running in the grass et al.) and worrying less about whether my actions will make me a baller or a mechanic.

I hope you do so too ❤.

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Here’s some cool stuff I read Lately:

1. I enjoyed this because I love reading BTS of movies, building products and basically anything. Also, Fuad is an incredible storyteller.

2. This brilliant essay on self-respect, which I will be returning to many many times. ‘the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life—is the source from which self-respect springs.’ It made me feel liberated.

3. This piece by Treasure is on parental ties and parenting yourself.

4. ‘I Broke My Knee, Which Fractured My Marriage.’ A beautiful piece on love, betrayal and forgiveness.

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What this newsletter is:

Watching:

• Anikulapo by Kunle Afolayan. I have been a fan of his work since I was 9. I particularly loved his portrayal of Yoruba culture and his delicate telling of this story. Also, the moral lesson here is to so ara fun okunrin!

• Never Have I Ever. Devi stresses me out. But what makes the show so brilliant is its creator- Mindy Kaling. She created a hit show with predominantly people of colour as the cast, has a dark-skinned Indian woman as the main character and did a high school story where teenagers aren't hypersexualised or solving murders during their lunch breaks and the comedy is top-notch. I’ll forever be in awe!

Listening to:

• An insane amount of Asake (the people in my house are tired)

• 10 things by Titilope Sonuga

• Bleeding by Ogranya

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That’s it for this newsletter. Thank you for reading and for sticking with me.

With love,

Titi.